Are you effing kidding me? Josh Homer struggles to understand his fellow man.

I had a kid

2011-02-10T23:54:00.002-05:00

He took up a lot of my time. So I wasn't able to write. Now he's older, so I have more time and a lot more things I'm pissed off about. More to come.

I bet he watches NBC's "Heroes"

2009-04-30T16:40:00.002-04:00

As a dude, I often day dream about having super powers. Then I hear my kid screaming and come back to reality. Some people are just not that...... just watch this video.

It will be a sad day when Shadow Hare (does a bunny strike fear in anyone?) gets shot. Perhaps his "team" can get a group discount at the gym. DId you notice there was a girl on his team? I would love to see who she is.

New York's Bravest

2009-04-11T18:29:00.003-04:00

Many people outside of New York have a certain reverence for NYC Police and Firemen based on the great job they did during 9-11 and the recovery efforts after. I'm not trying to take away from the work they did then. Well I live in NYC, and I can tell you that the police and firemen are not all good. I've had my run in with the police (A cop threatened to arrest me for handing out fliers until I threatened to call my lawyer) and I see them abuse their power on a daily basis. I saw a cop on his cell phone directing traffic, I routinely see the police in my neighborhood go up a wrong way street because to go around it would mean they would have to run three lights (they never wait for green lights). They double park, block fire hydrants; basically do what they want.

The firemen are at least funny when they abuse the power they have. I love when they park a fire-truck outside the local Pathmark and go shopping for groceries in full fireman uniform (The truck is of course parked in a fire zone and blocks traffic). I offer you this picture of a group of firefighters doing a little bulk shopping at Costco. Hey, maybe there was a fire sale.

I don't drink

2009-03-18T16:05:00.004-04:00

but if I did, I'd only drink Sweet Bitch wine; it's smooth and fruity.

WIth new Grand Theft Auto, parents try to dodge the bullets

2009-03-17T11:45:00.006-04:00

You know my son is only 13 weeks old, but I already want someone else to raise him. That statement is both untrue and ridiculous. Yet when parents cry time and time again about how the state and private companies should help raise their kids, people agree.

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown just came out of the Nintendo DS. Parents are complaining once again that game makers need to take responsibility for making these violent games. True. Nintendo should send someone over to each kids house and monitor what kids are playing. Nintendo should take an active role in the raising of kids. The government should put laws into place that limit the choices kids can make, thereby encroaching ever so slightly on that pesky 1st amendment. Or... parents can grow a pair, realize they are not their kids BFF and sometimes lay down rules that might make them looked at as the bad guy. As I recall it wasn't Nintendo that got you pregnant; If anything that the lovely people at Coors and the faulty people at Trojan.

In this game my parents are hypocrites.
Look I just called mommy a selfish bitch! 500 points!

Maybe God's trying to tell you something

2009-03-17T11:37:00.006-04:00

On Sunday afternoon in New York City (actually the Bronx) a woman was shot with an arrow in the stomach as she got out of her car. She lived and is now in the hospital.

Everyone is in shock; as one of her friends said on the news, "Why would someone do this? We were coming from Church." Maybe God that's God's way of telling you to switch churches, you know He does work in mysterious.

Just doing His work

Chris Brown and Rihanna - part 2

2009-03-06T11:25:00.004-05:00

Last night in my acting class the subject of the Chris Brown beat down came up. One girl defended Chris Brown and said that Rihanna looked like she could be a smart ass. I have three thoughts on this:

A dude should never hit a woman. Despite what people say women and men are not equal, at least physically. That’s why in professional sports the rules are changed; the WNBA has a smaller ball (yet the same size hoops, makes for easier shots), the reason men’s and women professional tennis matches are structured differently. We acknowledge this difference in some arenas but not others, well the difference is very apparent in the “beat yo ass” arena.
I do not know if you, the reader know how hard it is to knock someone out in a street fight, but it is very hard. It might look easy in boxing, or even in MMA, but that’s because there are rules. In a no holds barred, punch in the nuts, bite your hand, gouge your eye out fight, it’s very hard. Somehow Chris managed to knock her out. That’s a lot of rage and hate behind those fists.
It’s about looks. Chris Brown is a pretty man, yeah I said it. He’s getting cut slack by some women (I can’t believe it either) because they like him. If he looked like Yaphet Kotto people would be calling for him to be lynched with a rope made of shards of glass and fire.

"I'm so sawwy I beat her ass, oh look a wave!"

Real talk

2009-03-04T17:31:00.010-05:00

So after Chris Brown handed Rihanna a beat down of epic proportions (she was literally choked out and looked like this) she took him back. Sad.

All the little girls (and some boys, hayyyyeee!) who look up to her are seeing this; seeing her and Chris on vacation in Miami jet skiing (and healing up). What message is it sending? Did you see Chris "Bobby" Brown's less than sincere apology? Talking about an "unfortunate situation"? Really? At least he could have manned up on the apology.

I blame her brothers, because if I knew of a dude who hit my sister, well let's just say all those episodes of Forensic Files info would come in handy. I would at least take a bunch of doornobs and put them in a pillow case.

Personally I think it’s only a matter of time before he is back to his old tricks. Perhaps I should lend her my copy of Forensic Files

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-03-04T14:10:00.005-05:00

I am a big fan of Forensic Files. It amazes me how a case can be solved using cat hair.

I saw an episode the other day where a husband killed his wife. Turns out it was the second time he tried to kill her. The first time he snuck up behind her in their barn and hit her in the head with the blunt side of an axe. Then he ran off. She crawled something like 100 yards to a neighbor’s house and the neighbor calls 911.

The woman is taken to a hospital where she lies and says a horse kicked her in the head (The medical examiner actually wrote in his report, “This is BS!”) and went back to her husband. She told her friends she wanted to “work it out.”

I can see if he cheated, maybe you can work that out. He snores; you can work that out with Breath Right strips. He’s bad with money; work that out with a financial class. But he snuck up behind you and hit you in the head with a very large hammer, how do you work that out? With Spidey sense? Maybe, unless you're married to Venom

"The Bachelor" "Jason Meznick" and maybe "Jimmy Kimmel" (or is it Jason Mesnick?)

2009-03-03T13:38:00.004-05:00

A blogger friend of mine mentioned how hot the topic of the TV show The Bachelor" is right now. He also mentioned that the finale was a let down. My thought is, "You watch the Bachelor?"

Man up.

Protesting done wrong

2009-02-23T18:15:00.012-05:00

I don't know how many people followed the Take Back NYU protest, where a bunch of kids took over the food court for two days. I had to walk past this crap on my way home from class. They wanted outrageous demands like for NYU to open it’s books, for NYU to get involved in the Gaza conflict (“We’ll send our crack team of flashlight security guards there right now!"), and more use of the library. Oh stupid kids.

In the video below, after NYU heads had enough of this childish crap, they walked right past the “barricades” the protesters put up.

In the video I noticed the following things said by the protesters:

“We’re trying to do this as a democracy” – No you’re not, you took over a food court. The definition of that is not democracy but actually terrorism.
To the incoming security guards: "You can’t come here this is NYU student free space” – Ummmm, no it’s not. It’s space OWNED by NYU and students are allowed to use it. Because you go to a school does not mean you own real-estate.
“Brutality! You’re on camera” – This is said to security guards as they are walking away!
“You may not detain us!” – Actually they can, you’re trespassing, you’re breaking the law. You can be arrested.
From one protester to another: “We’re using consensus as to how we will proceed” – Ummm, no you’re not, you’re just stalling before the cops that have you surrounded arrest you. You were NEVER in control. The administration let you play a game that they could have ended anytime they felt like it, and they did.

I understand that NYU wanted to avoid looking like the bad guy, so they allowed the kids to play their little protest game, but if I were in charge I would have just had the police clear them out the first night. All in all this was not a real protest, but just something that a 40 year old man can look back and say, “Remember that time we took over the food court? That was awesome.”

If only I can get my wife on the same page

2009-02-19T11:34:00.002-05:00

Who knew raising a baby was such hard work? Well it's time for the little one to pay his own way.

As long as we're on the same page...

2009-01-28T15:43:00.004-05:00

My wife bought a couch sight unseen off of Overstock.com. When the delivery guy arrived yesterday, he looked at our brownstone and the eight steps leading to the front door. He immediately said the following, "Hey, hope you know I don't do stairs." I replied, "I heard, hope you know I don't do tips." He didn't think it was funny, and by him hanging around for an extra minute after the couch was on the curb, he also didn't think I was serious.

Now that Obama is Pres., racism is over!!!

2009-01-23T15:01:00.000-05:00

One of many sacrifices for my son

2009-01-19T19:05:00.007-05:00

Getting a kid ready takes time, and any time I spend on me takes away time needed to get his diapers, bottle, car seat, clothes etc ready for any trip. As such I regret to inform you my afro is dead (May 2008 to Jan 09, RIP).

Dwayne from What's Happening was so proud.

Very Obama-like; hope and change.

The new cover from Blu-ray version of Face Off

It was fun while it lasted, but it's for the best. When I went into the Dominican barbershop and asked them to cut my wig off, the barber says in a very thick accent, "Poppa, jew sure?" I replied yes. He turns on the clippers and when he is about to cut he then says, "Poppa, jew sure, cuz when I cut it, it no come back." Perhaps I'll bury my hair in the pet cemetery, then it will come back.

God help me

2009-01-07T10:26:00.005-05:00

I just had a child and it really makes me believe in God; not the power of birth stuff. I believe in God by default.

Evolution could not explain how got here. A caveman couldn't hide from a velociraptor with a screaming baby in his hands.

"Dinner time!
I think I hear a baby that needs his diaper changed."

Sex sells, I guess

2008-12-30T13:44:00.010-05:00

For years sex has been used to sell everything, but the new Arby's commercial comes off more as creepy. See for yourself.

I like how the hat pops up at the end to let you know he's got a boner. The commercial creeps me out, like this dude has chopped up a bunch of women and made an Arby's uniform out of human flesh. "It put's the Arby's sauce in the basket!"

Needless to say, I am never eating at Arby's.

Hey baby, do that dance

2008-12-29T17:28:00.004-05:00

Those of you who know me, know I dress for comfort. I mean I look ok, have some new fashions, but I keep it chill. But apparently to some I looked thugged out.

On Friday I went into Walgreens to pick up my wife's perscriptions. As I came out a white hip hop looking couple with strong eastern European accents came up to me and asked me "Where is Fulton Street?" I knew immediately they were not looking for Fulton St., but rather Fulton Street Mall, home of 500 sneaker shops, 1,000 cell phone/pager stores, and countless hood rat clothing stores. I replied, "You mean Fulton St. Mall right?" They answered, "No, Fulton St., there is sneakers store here, and here and there." My reply, "You mean Fulton Street Mall, you want to shop and buy sneakers and stuff, right?" "Yes, Yes!"

Although the only thing I have ever bought from Fulton Street Mall, was a smoothie from Dunkin Donuts, I am mad that from where we were standing I knew exactly how to get there. I guess it's how birds know where to fly every winter.

This is NOT Josh Homer! Nor will it ever be.

Racism or just pride?

2008-12-28T15:30:00.005-05:00

Everyone who has been to Cold Stone Creamery knows that when you tip the people there, they sing. Usually it's something like "We got a tip" etc. However in the Cold Stone in Brooklyn, when you tip them they sing a remix of Biggie Smalls' Hypnotize. Not only did I get a tub of Apple Pie a la Cold Stone but I was able to say "Brooklyn stand up!" and no one batted an eye.

Maybe Cold Stone ice cream put the Biggie in Biggie

WTF Amazon buyers?

2008-12-17T14:31:00.001-05:00

So I'm searching for home gym stuff because once the kid comes, I don't think I will be able to do the whole 2 hour gym thing (30 minutes travel time to and from teh house, 20-30 minutes to shower and change, 60 minutes to work out and stretch). So I went to Amazon to find some nice things to work out with that I can store under my bed.

Turns out that the people who love to work out at home also love the movie American Psycho the Uncut Killer Collector's Edition. Click for a better view.

"If I get my guns strong enough I could choke someone to death!"

Walmart is sketchy

2008-12-17T11:11:00.004-05:00

So this guy names his son Adolf Hitler, then he tries to get a birthday cake with "Adolf Hitler" spelledf on it from Shoprite. Shorite tells him to eff off, they're not doing it. Since Shoprite said no, they went to Walmart, and of course Walmart made the cake. Walmart only cares about that dollar. It also turns out the guy requested previously had asked for a swastika to be included in the decoration of his kid's cakes.

The father claims he named his kid Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name" and he says he is not racist. Yeah I believe that, especially since the kids older sister's name is JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell.

My thing is this, if you're a racist just be a racist. Don't try to back peddle and side step it. I could at least respect that, instead of being a racist and a coward.

Click here

2008-12-15T14:12:00.002-05:00

I'm a Kanye West fan, I have all his albums etc. I read his blog. What I just realized is his blog is basically links to other blogs: it's a sample.

No baby yet

2008-12-15T11:27:00.003-05:00

This weekend was our baby's due date; he was not born. We did get so many loving calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, IMs asking if the baby was born; all from people who don't have kids.

No Mister

2008-12-12T12:28:00.009-05:00

We all know Hollywood is doing remakes of older movies because they have no new ideas and/or they are not willing to take a chance on anything new (See The Day the Earth Stood Still or Starsky & Hutch.) However you could always count on a least different actors. Not anymore. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Yes Man or as I like to call it Liar Liar 2.

Haven't we seen the exact same plot but with a different reason to explain it? No Josh there is a difference, that Jim Carrey had to tell the truth and this Jim Carrey has to say yes to everything. Oh yeah, then which movie is this picture from?

"Did you eat my food that I had in the company fridge?"
He either has to tell the truth or say yes.

I'm not buying it

2008-12-10T14:37:00.006-05:00

There is a new trend in New York; kids on the street claiming to be homeless and asking for my money. The only problem is I don't buy it. The kid out today begging looked to be around 20, but he had product in his hair! How the eff you are begging for money and you've got a faux-hawk all hair sprayed up? There are no rips in your jeans that you did not put there! There is one kid who begs everynight has a pea-coat! I have never been able to affort a pea-coat! Eff you kid.

Spare some change? We're like totally homeless and shit.

This makes me laugh

2008-12-03T10:07:00.002-05:00

I don't know why we are in a desert, why Nadia is wearing hijab, or why we both look crazy. Either way, I laugh everytime I see it, and I also pray my kid doesn't look like that.

It works both ways

2008-12-01T11:09:00.001-05:00

My mom came to visit us this week. She saw a picture of an Indian kid I sponsor and asks my wife, "Is that your cousin?"

Is this what we've come to?

2008-11-24T13:36:00.006-05:00

This morning on the train a hippie mom (young white, with a nose ring and living in Brooklyn) got on with her two kids (younger girl about 4 with blond hair blue eyes, and an older boy about 8 who looked like his daddy was Obama-esque), like the kid in the Aruba ads sitting down here but with shorter hair.

The kids were sitting down, while the hippie mom stood up. The little girl was acting like a jerk. She was moving around and climbing up on this big black dude who was sitting there annoyed but didn't say anything. The mother told the girl repeatedly to calm down and stop bothering other people on the train. Finally the mother says, "Ok you've lost your sitting down privileges" and pulls the daughter off the seat. Now the kid goes into full fake crying and yelling mode, her brother just looks at her with a "this chick here" expression.

The girl is yelling so the mom's response is, "Keep it up and you will loose your chance to go into Starbucks later." The girl screams louder. Mom repeats, "I'm not joking, looks like you're missing out on Starbucks." The kid fake cries even more. Finally their stop comes and the mom says, "Ok get ready to go because this stop." The little girl miraculously is healed of all damage and instantly stops crying and they get off.

How do you threaten a 4 year old with Starbucks? Why the eff is a 4 year old even IN a Starbucks? What happened to kids just being scared of their parents because they are kids and their parents are actually parenting?
I was a really really good girl

She sure knows how to give a compliment

2008-11-20T15:15:00.004-05:00

Conversation I had with my wife Wednesday morning as we both woke up:

Wife:Did you work out yesterday in the morning and then play basketball at night?
Me: Yeah, why?
Wife: cuz, you look like shit.

Sad part is I felt like it too. I'm getting old.

Maybe she said it because I was wearing this hat

Now I get it

2008-11-17T16:53:00.005-05:00

My father used to watch the news and the Knicks. I never understood it, news was so boring, who cares? I'd rather watch Misfits of Science or Knight Rider.

The day my wife told me she was pregnant, I understood. I've watched more news in the last 9 months than I have in my entire life. As far as the Knicks go, I still don't get that.

"I don't even want to watch this game."

Obama won, now STFU about it

2008-11-17T10:35:00.004-05:00

I support Obama (mixed kids 4 life!), I donated, I talked to people about voting for him, my middle name is Barak. I am ecstatic he won, my world has already changed because of it. However, people need to be quiet about it for now and let January 20th come.

Lots of people are saying that the eletion proved that America is not racist. Slow down. What it porved is 53% of the 61% of eligible voters picked Obama. That's only 32% of the eligible voters picking him. That's not a lot, and how many of the people who voted for Barack are black, Latino or some other minority that racism was never a problem they had but one they experienced.

To some, what Barack is now is a validation that darkies are taking over. He's a recruitment tool of racist extremist. He's already recieved so many death threats and he's not even in office.

So for now, just whisper hope and change, at least until Barack gets his foot in the door.

I just didn't and still don't care

2008-11-13T14:22:00.004-05:00

Last night as I approach my door, with an armfull of groceries, I see three fire trucks, two emergency police trucks and two ambulances near my house. I also see a bunch of people standing around looking. I couldn't see what was going on because one of the firetrucks blocked my view. I walked up to my door and my new neighbor is coming out. The following exchange tooks place:

Neighbor: Wow, what's going on?
Me: I have no idea.
Neighbor: I heard someone is pinned in a car or something
Me: Well it looks like a car accident to me, there are too many people just standing around for it to be a shooting.
Neighbor: Yeah, I guess. You going over there?
Me: Nah, I don't care, and I'm hungry. I'll read about it in the police blotter or something.
Neighbor: Oh....ok, well have a good night.
Me: You too.

I've lived in my neighborhood for over three years, and before that I used to hang out here; so I've been around these parts for the last 10 years. Just because a bunch of new people are here, doesn't mean I should care. Couple that with the fact that if the same accident happeend just 5 years ago before the new (white) people moved in, the response to a simple accident would not have been so grand.

For all I know this could have been what happened

Alicia Keys please!!!

2008-11-10T12:13:00.006-05:00

My mom loves my wife, I know because she tells me often. However my mom can no except my wife. Confusing? Yes, let me explain.

I was raised very religious, very very religious. I used to know every book in the Bible, in order, the authors, where the books where written and their significance to the Bible as a whole.

My wife is not the religion I was raised, so it's caused some tension in our collective households. Which lead to the following conversation between my wife and my mom:

Mom: You know, I love you but I just can't except you, if you know what I mean.
Wife: Not really.
Mom: I mean even if you were Alicia Keys, I couldn't fully except you.
Wife: Alicia Keys?
Mom: You know she is beautiful, but I just couldn't except her either.

My wife then comes to me and says, "I can't believe she compared me to Alicia Keys! I am so much better than her!"
So true. (But Alicia if you're reading this, ummm call me.)

You can't even except me? I'm rich! I play the piano and everything!

PS - I tried to post an Alicia Keys video but youtube put the cabosh on all her vids! So much for the fans.

The Times Are a Changin'

2008-11-06T12:35:00.003-05:00

So my father-in-law is a nice guy. He's not a complicated man, and my wife adores him and I can understand why.

He's also said a few racist things about black people in the past, including one time he dropped the N-Bomb in front of me (Which I am not allowed to talk about on stage! It's comedy gold I tell you! Pure 24k gold!). I mean he's lived in Texas for over 30 years, some things have rubbed off on him.

Yesterday, one day after Obama won, my wife got a call. Her father said he is proud his grand kid will be black. I actually teared up.

Monday Nov 3rd

2008-11-06T12:32:00.002-05:00

I step into the elevator at work and a brown skinned delivery guy jumps in to. He looks at me and says, "It's our time now." I look back and smile. He then says, "They've had their chance, now it's our time." I said, "You're right." Then the door opens and some white people get in. The delivery guy gets quiet and looks down at the floor. The white people get off, then the guys says in a hushed tone, "Our time" and gets off at the next floor.

He was into change but he didn't want the good white folk to think he was too uppity.

I agree Mr. Greer

2008-10-30T17:07:00.004-04:00

Usually I think David Alan Greer is a bit on the "coony" side. The Yale School of Drama graduate always seems to play "scared negreo #4" in whatever movie he is in (Exhibit A: Jumanji). However he sometimes hits the nail on the head with his new TV show called Chocolate News on Comedy Central. Granted I was a little bit jealous of this one as I had a similar idea that I was working on with another comic, but that jealousy subsided when I watched this clip (I know my talent could not have done the bit the justice which Mr. Greer did it. However he is still on my Coon Suspect list.)

What a waste

2008-10-29T13:46:00.001-04:00

About 2 months ago Facebook offered free Obama buttons to the first 10,000 (or was it 1,000 or maybe 100,000. Who cares?) who replied. After waiing 6 to 8 weeks, my button arrived yesterday in a HUGE package.

Yes we can (use lotion)

2008-10-27T10:11:00.002-04:00

Although I am a huge supporter of Obama, I can not cosign this ashy foot look he's rocking in Hawaii. Yes I know he was visiting his sick grandmother, but ashy feet are not presidential.

One week to the election. Make sure you vote.

Only in New York City

2008-10-23T15:13:00.005-04:00

Today I was in Times Square and bumped into fellow comic Doug Adler. While we chatted away a homeless man in a wheel chair rolled past us, he had a "boom box" in his lap and was begging for change.

When he does not get any change he heads over to the pay phone, then he stands up to make a call.

I weep for the children

2008-10-23T10:44:00.006-04:00

Last night I performed at an open mic. A few comics after I finished another guy went up who I had seen perform a few times before and he was never that funny. I could take him or leave him.

Last night he proceded to do a bit about how Michael Richards called some black people the N word. He then says, "..but they were talking during his set, so calling them niggas was accurate. I hate how niggas get mad when you call them niggas, well then stop acting like a nigga."

Then he says he doesn't date black women because they look like monkeys. "Oprah is pretty monkey-ish, right? Whoopi Goldberg is definately a monkey!" The crowd gave some awkward laughs and myself and the only other black guy in the audience who just happened to sit next to me looked at each other not knowing what to do.

The comic on stage was black. Luckily for him I had already went up.

The Tony Rock Project

2008-10-17T11:24:00.003-04:00

After a cancelled stand up show, Tony Rock is back with The Tony Rock Project. I watched it last night. If I were Tony Rock I would call Chris everyday and the conversation would go like this:

TR: Hey Chris
CR: Hey Tony
TR: Thank you
CR: Thank me? For what?
TR: For being you, for being a great older brother. Thanks man.
CR: You're welcome?
TR: Thanks man. I'll call you tomorrow. I love you so much man.
CR: I love you to man, I got to go, HBO is on the other line.
TR: Really? Tell them..*click* Hello?

I leave you with a review of The Tony Rock Project from the Washington Post. Here's a quote:
The younger Rock seems bright and likable. He just doesn't have the timing, charisma, wit or material of his more famous family member. Which makes him the Charlie Murphy, the Solange Knowles or maybe the any-of-the-Baldwin-brothers-not-named-Alec of the Rock family.

Ouch!

A message from Sarah Palin

2008-10-10T09:50:00.000-04:00

Marked for Death

2008-10-08T15:38:00.001-04:00

I often wonder what happened to Steven Seagal after his Oscar snubbed performances in Glimmer Man and Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. Turns out he's the CEO of Exxon Mobile.

Time for new ear buds

2008-10-06T16:20:00.001-04:00

Not because I am embarrassed but because the tape is scratching my face.

I feel like I'm 15 again

2008-10-06T15:44:00.003-04:00

Today I had to wait for an important call. Every 5 seconds I'm checking my phone, seeing if I missed it. Every 10 seconds I'm checking my phone to see if I'm getting reception. I've been sitting at my desk in the same spot, about 6 inches from my phone. Unless I suddenly went deaf and at the exact same momment all the cell towers that support downtown Manhattan went out, I don't think I could have missed the call.

The woman emailed me.

The Catholics (and Jewish moms) are right!

2008-10-02T10:27:00.000-04:00

Guilt Works. Yesterday my visibly pregnant wife and I got on the train to go to work. A young women sitting between two fully grown adult men sees her, gets up and taps my wife on the shoulder and asks her to sit down.

I look at the two losers how were sitting next to this lady and say loud enough so everyone can hear me, “Man, it is always a woman. These men are just…” then I make a noise showing my disapproval. The dude looks me in the eye then gets up and offers his seat to the lady who gave my wife hers.

Now to try to guilt my wife into getting me some Xbox games.

Damn hippies!

2008-10-02T09:56:00.000-04:00

Last night my wife and I went on a tour of the hospital maternity section. There was the usual cast of characters: the couple with a ton of questions, the funny couple (actually not really funny. Example: the tour guide says, "This is where you drop the baby off for the tests?" He replies, "Can we not say drop. I don't want to drop my baby!" BA-ZING!), the couple who was over it (that was us). We had a surprise guest couple though, the anti-establishment couple.

"When they are delivering the baby, can we make sure no one is in the room but my midwife?" Of course you can replied the tour guide. Then we go to the nursery, where you have to "drop off" your baby, so it can be cleaned, tested, weighed and heated up (I kid you no, they put the kid under a heat lamp like he's a hamburger). The anti-establishment says, "Can I be with my baby during all this testing?" No, you can't go into the nursery. "Why not? I want to see what they are doing to my baby." You can look in through the glass but you can not go inside. Duh, I don't want that couple walking near my newborn baby with their adult germs!

The best question of the night though was again from out anti-establishment couple. "Can I wear my own clothes during delivery? Like not wear the gown they give me." Really? WTF are you going to wear instead? Your lucky jeans? Sometimes I just hate people. The couple also declared on the elevator ride down that they wished they took the tour early so that they could change hospitals because this hospital is bad (FYI - it's one of the best in the city)

Captian Obvious

2008-10-01T09:09:00.002-04:00

So People Magazine reportedly payed Clay Aiken $500,000 for the story that he is gay. I wonder if I ever make will they be willing to pay me $500,000 for the inside scoop that I'm black.

So good it hurts

2008-09-30T17:23:00.003-04:00

This video was done by a friend of a friend.
I want some Xbox 360 games, so I'm going to wear a suit tomorrow. Maybe I can get some money.

Never forget

2008-09-30T09:46:00.004-04:00

On Saturday my wife and I had to drive to Connecticut to pick up a crib. When we went outside to get int he car, a New York Department of Sanitation pick up truck was double parked blocking us in. The truck was running, but the driver was no where to be seen.

I looked around and did not see him. I turned to my wife and said, "We have to go, I'm moving this truck." I walked towards the truck, got to the door and then I see the guy across the street. He calls out to me and says he'll move the truck.

My wife and I get in our car. She turns to me ans says, "Why would you try to move that car? Did you forget you're black? I don't need you shot up. You should have just let me do it."

She is so wrong, yet she is 100% correct.

Please please please STFU

2008-09-29T10:21:00.003-04:00

While watching CNN this morning raper and "actor" Bow Wow was on American Morning to talk about how we should all vote. He is doing a walk across America to promote ~~his album~~ voting awareness.

Not only did he read his entire enterview (he looks to his left again and again off camera as he speaks) but he also wore a baseball cap and a large platinum chain. Who cares what a rapper thinks about the politacl situation? Great you're getting people to vote, but let's not be fooled; you're album is dropping soon. I don't care what Bow Wow thinks, I need to find out what JaRule thinks of all this economy stuff! Where is Ja?

I'm a class A a-hole

2008-09-26T10:14:00.007-04:00

It's part of my charm. Yesterday while watching Oprah a woman named Monica was profiled on an episode called Warrior Moms (after Jenny McCarthy's book). Monica contracted a flesh eating disease and became a quadruple amputee. Her fiancée still married her, when most men would have run for the hills. The woman is a true inspiration. She lives her life to the fullest and things she can not be a good mother if she is miserable. My hat is off to her.

They go in her home so we can see how she lives her life, very inspirational. Then Jenny says, "I hear you even pay the bills." Monica replies, "Yes I do, I write all my checks." Then she proceeds to show us how, she drops the pen, she fumbles the book and tells us that it takes her three hours to do the bills.

I turn to my wife and say, "Why doesn't she just use online checking?" I know I'm an a-hole.

It's hard to write with that hook,
but it can easily just click send

Serious Post

2008-09-25T12:18:00.005-04:00

I live in Brooklyn NY, and I often fear for my life at the hands of the NYPD. If I am in my car and I see their lights, I think to myself "Where is my paperwork?" I want to be prepared. I've had run ins on the street with NYPD and although most of them are nice and try to do their job, some are real jerks who dislike minorities. I got in an argument with a cop once because, as his partner put it 'he was having a bad day.' The only thing that saved me from getting an ass whipping was I threatened to call my lawyer, then the whole conversation changed and the cop walked off cursing at me. I even know a black female officer who when off duty was pulled over and harassed. She asked for the officer’s badge numbers and they got even more belligerent. Then she pulled out her badge and the officer's replied "Oh sorry, didn't know..." As if their behavior was ok otherwise.

In their latest act of idiocy, the NYPD tasered a mentally unstable man, who then fell to his death. Oh yeah, he just happened to be Spanish and live in Bedstuy Brooklyn.

Click Here for details. So sad, and his mother saw it all happen.

Finally!

2008-09-24T09:45:00.004-04:00

After years of denial, my mom finally admitted we grew up poor. Up until this point my mom has denied it; going as far as calling me on the phone and asking me to take out any mention of being poor from my bio.

Last weekend I went home to visit mom (really to take care of some business by mom's house) and she said to my wife, "It was hard when they were young (referring to me and my 2 siblings), we lived like paupers."

YES! Maybe now she will cop to us being on food stamps.

I'll always be over weight

2008-09-23T16:44:00.003-04:00

As much as I work out, I still do things like eat a whole container of Laura's Whole Junk Food oatmeal raisin bites in one sitting.

Someone call CSI, the body is still warm.

Was that racist?

2008-09-23T14:16:00.004-04:00

I went to Whole Foods for lunch. The line system works like this: there are three lines using a pool of cashiers. There is a TV with three sections on it, corresponding to each line. When a number comes up and the voice tells you "Line X" you go to line X.

There was a Jewish man in the line next to me (he was even buying matzo). They call line 1 for him and he walks towards it. The cashier is Muslim, she's wearing a hijab. He walks closer, they call a line number for me, line 6. He turns and runs to lane 6. I walk to lane 1 and look at the cashier; she looks at me and gives me an awkward smile. I laugh. What else could I do?

One of the many secrets of marraige

2008-09-22T14:59:00.003-04:00

I've only been married for two years, but I figure out one trick to marriage: no matter what the question is you should always work a compliment into the answer. Here is an actual exchange between my wife and I.

Wife: If I die would you marry someone prettier or uglier than me?

Josh:I'd have to marry someone uglier because you're the prettiest woman alive.

Wife:That was the right answer.

Every question's a test, every answer a chance to fail.

I'm getting old

2008-09-18T10:01:00.002-04:00

I had a 45 minute argument with a DJ on how Dipset is horrible. And I don't understand how anyone can wear a scarf in 90 degree weather.

You know you're hot.

Dumb Question

2008-09-17T13:05:00.002-04:00

I wonder is anyone gets this one wrong? I just wish one of the choices was Will Smith. I would love to see the wrong answers then.

Céline Dion?

2008-09-16T11:49:00.006-04:00

Last night my wife made me go to a Céline Dion concert at MSG. Now Céline Dion can sing, very well at that, but she is not a great performer. She hit her chest and did a lot of the "YES!" fist pull down (like she scored a goal). She also did a few covers of songs by great performers like Tina Turner (it looked sad because although Celine is a better singer, she's no Proud Mary). It was also sad to hear a French Canadian sing Queen's We Are the Campions, because in my mind I knew French Canadians' haven't really won anything - Hockey does not count.

What I did notice is we had GREAT seats. We were 5 rows in front of Barbara Walters, 3 rows in front of Gayle King (Oprah's Gayle, poor woman will always be a sidekick) and 2 rows in front of Celine's husband! You would think he would get better seats. When he sat down people went crazy. I didn't get it, I mean what's he famous for? His balls touched a great singer? Does Ray Jay get the same treatment?

Here's a video of the show I shot from my camera phone.

Wannabe

2008-09-12T09:57:00.002-04:00

My wife went to Mel B's (aka Scary Spice of the Spice Girls) lingerie line fashion show. Scary walked the runway and was the featured model in the catalog (on every page). The only problem with the show is it started a little late, about 10 years.

I leave you with this, the video in which Mel B. stole my heart (Luckily she returned it when she got the crazy boob job and dated Eddie Murphy)

Frank TV, another season

2008-09-12T09:07:00.003-04:00

Yeah, Frank TV has been renewed for another season! Now you can see all your favorite characters, but only fat!!!!!!

Jerry Seinfeld is HUGE!!!!

God,
This is Josh. I know I haven't asked for much but can you please please please put some good comedies on TV, I mean like 30 Rock the first season before it "dumbed" itself down for the masses or Arrested Development before Satan himself got it thrown off the air. I know many people like the Office (US version) but it's no BBC version.

Thanks in advance,
Josh

I don't understand

2008-09-10T10:08:00.000-04:00

Today I saw a blind woman with a tattoo. It wasn't even in raised text.

Blame it on the 80s

2008-09-10T10:04:00.002-04:00

Looking back with lyrics like the ones in Freedom, why was it such a surprise when George Michael came out the closet?

You're not sleeping

2008-09-09T09:58:00.004-04:00

Now that my wife is 6 months pregnant, I see more dudes on the train pretending to be sleep than I have in my whole life.

You're not fooling me!
Be courteous and give up your seat.

"They Live"

2008-09-08T09:31:00.005-04:00

Over the weekend I watched one of my childhood favorite moves, They Live. I was a little disappointed, I waited all movie for Rowdy Rody Piper to say "I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum...." and when he did it felt like the air was let out of my balloon. Although They Live still has one of the best (unneeded) fight seens in any movie.

I've decided to never watch any more movies I loved as a kid, except for The Princess Bride and The Thing because those movies are classics (and I've watched them already and still love them)

I'll always think poor

2008-09-08T09:12:00.002-04:00

My wife and I cleaned up the house (like we do every weekend) and she "swiffered" the floors in the living room and kitchen while I cleaned the bathroom. When I went to "swiffer" up the bathroom floor I went to the garbage and saw the swiffer sheet she used and only ONE side was dirty!!!

I ran into the bedroom and said, "I don't know how they live in Richville but in this house we use both sides of the swiffer!" My wife laughed, I was serious. Then I used the swiffer that I took out the garbage to clean the bathroom floor.

I leave you with the partial nude broom swiffer ad that's both funny and creepy.

Obama and Hilary video

2008-09-02T16:07:00.002-04:00

Here's a video done by fellow comedian Michael Hayne. Check it out, laugh a little, think some too.

Find more videos like this on Droppin Shorts

I eat very fast

2008-08-28T09:31:00.002-04:00

I grew up poor, so there wasn't awlays enough food to fill your belly. Couple this with the fact my brother was huge and ate alot. This means that in order for you to get enough food you had to eat fast; something I carry with me to this day.

Case in point: Last night I got off the train at 23rd and 6th. The clock read 7:17. I walked down to 23rd and 8th to Boston Market, I ordered the turkey with mashed potatoes. I then left walked back up the street, bought a pack of gum and then walked to the comedy club on 23rd. The time was 7:30.

One more reason not to show off

2008-08-26T09:34:00.003-04:00

There is a brilliant speech by Dustin Hoffman in the movie Confidence where he talks about how showing off can get you killed. As good as it was, it has nothing on this video.

Hair today gone tomorrow

2008-08-25T09:21:00.005-04:00

I am not a fan of fake hair. The saddest I have seen is poor Chubby Checker.

The Twist came out in 1959, 40 years ago, the same year the gorilla was born whose ass would later provide Chubby's toupée

A loving wife

2008-08-22T12:08:00.001-04:00

My wife just noticed I got my X Box 360 back from repairs. Her reply to this fact, "Damn it. I was enjoying your broken X Box!" It's because she loves me.

It's not racism so stop saying it is!!!

2008-08-22T10:24:00.008-04:00

I know two interracial couples who cry racism at the drop of a hat. "Those people are stairing at us because I'm white and my boyfriend is black, they're racist!" No that's not the case. They're staring because you are an attractive female and your boyfriend is an uglier version of Patrice O'Neal.

Patrice O'Neal:
Very funny? Yes. Beauty pageant winner? Not so much.
Crying racism where there is none just hurts the cause, especially if people are just staring at a case of the uglies.

I have to change jobs!

2008-08-22T10:21:00.002-04:00

The woman that sits next to me has a dog. She pays a dog walker $60 to walk her dog 5 times a week. This is with a discount since she signed up for a monthly plan. If the dog walker walks 15 dogs a week, for 30 minutes each thats a total of $46,800 a year and you only work about 4 hours a day. Of course you have to pick up dog shit, but I'd be willing to do it!

On the phone with X Box support

2008-08-20T15:07:00.002-04:00

My X Box 360 broke over a month ago. As I type this I'm on the phone with support trying to get my game back. The service rep says, "You're name is Homer, as in Homer?"

Never buy a bright yellow garment bag

2008-08-18T11:08:00.002-04:00

I think it says to the baggage people "Come on, I dare you."

I think they're lying

2008-08-18T11:03:00.001-04:00

Is that fried chicken cutlet sandwhich really handmade like it's package says? Somehow I don't think there is a little old woman in a basement hand battering and frying chicken cutlets for Continental.

Back from Texas, again

2008-08-18T10:54:00.005-04:00

I went to Texas for a wedding. As usual, the Bible is strong in Texas. There was a sign (I wish I got a picture of it, but we were driving) that read "Give Jesus a try, if you don't like him, Satan will take you back." I also sat next to a woman at the wedding who informed me I came to Texas during the hurrican season, and that they almost got hit real hard. She then told me that there must have been a lot of believers praying for the hurricane to switch directions because it did, which she acknowledge was great for her but not so much for the people who ended up getting the hurricane. I guess they should have prayed harder, or believed more.

The wedding was also held in a mega church (well maybe mini-mega), the pastor has a Hummer (so wrong for so many reasons, including gas mileage), and the church was so large it needed a map.

"Kids, if we get seperated, I'll meet you at Magic Mountain"

Recognized for the wrong reasons, again

2008-08-06T09:56:00.000-04:00

I have a routine that I stick to. I know it, and I guess other people know it too.

While walking to the gym this morning a woman yells out, “Hey! Where’s your shirt?” I look around expecting to see some shirtless dude (or if I’m lucky woman) on the streets. There were none. I keep walking. “Where is your shirt?” I turn around a look and the woman says, “Yeah you. Every morning I see you walking with a shirt, where is it today?” You see I usually have a button up on a hanger to take to the gym with me, today I did not, I had a t shirt in my bag (my boss it out today).

She then says, “I see you every day with that shirt, and I always wonder where are the pants? I mean you can’t wear that shirt with shorts.” I wear my gym shorts on the train and this astute woman realized I could not wear a “dress” shirt with gym shorts. I told her that the pants are in the bag, but I don’t want my shirt wrinkled so I carry it. She agreed that was the best way to handle it.

Move, get out the way!

2008-07-31T11:16:00.002-04:00

So this morning my wife and I went to yet another baby doctor's appointment (so far the kid is pretty healthy, the sonogram tech remarked that he had a huge wee wee). On the way we wait for the train. When it arrives a woman looks at my wife, then looks at her belly, then looks back at my wife and me, then procedes to push her way into the subway and take the only open seat. I love this city.

PS - I said loudly so that she could here me, "Man that was rude, she saw you're pregant and just was like 'Move it pregnant bitch I got to sit down!'" The woman just read her paper.

How I know it's my kid

2008-07-29T16:52:00.002-04:00

this picture has not been doctored in any way (except for cropping out my wife's info that was at the top)

Ha! I just heard my dad's dream killer joke!
He has no idea!

And I thought I was getting famous

2008-07-29T14:48:00.001-04:00

I'm growing my hair out, it's pretty long now (not as long as it was when I had corn rows!).

Yesterday a man stopped me on the train, "Hey you're a comedian right? I saw you at [so and so location], you're pretty funny." I say thank you. Then he says, "So man if you need a haircut, I work at [so and so barbershop]. Come on in I can hook you up."

I was quoted in the NY Times

2008-07-28T11:05:00.001-04:00

It was an article about stand up comedy classes and their benefit (or lack there of) written by Peter Keepnews. Although I am quoted as viewing the classes in a positive light, I also said during the interview that you can't be taught to be funny (but that part landed on the cutting room floor). You can be taught the mechanics of a joke, but you can't be taught what a joke is. Stand up is an art and a science, the science you can learn; the art, not so much.

Click Here for the article.

The Dark Knight, ehh

2008-07-23T11:42:00.003-04:00

So I finally saw the movie last night, and I must say it was a let down. Before you send me a bunch of emails (not really) let me explain. The story was decent, there was lots of action, but it was not better than say The Incredible Hulk (which I actually liked more). It was better than Iron Man and leaps and bounds better than any Fantastic Four movie. It was however just an average movie. There was no great step forward made with this movie, it was a comic book movie that actually talked to adults instead of winking at them while talking to children. Was Heather Ledger great? Not really, he was good, but I would not say great.

I think the movie was shot extremely well, but there were scenes in the movie that questioned the intellegence of the characters in it (I don't want to say which ones because that would spoil it for you) including Batman. If I could figure somethign out in the movie then the worlds greatest dective should have an easy go of it.

I think this movie was the perfect storm of hype. Oh well, countdown to Watchmen.

Letter I wrote to the NY Post

2008-07-22T15:50:00.004-04:00

I get it: I'm a grumpy old man. Anyway, the NY Post had two articles in it today which can be found here and here (check out the captions under the pictures on the second article) which basically make fun of the cultural garb of some Muslim women. So I wrote them a letter, lets see if Serena French (Fashion Editor) will even respond. If not I'm resending the letter everyday from different email addresses. Ha!

You're article in the Post on July 22 entitled "Perfect for today's medieval woman" and the spread above the article "'Tehran's 'Cover' Girls" were nothing more than thinly veiled jokes made at the expense of another person's culture; from the snarky remarks next to each picture to the completely biased and factually incorrect information in the copy. A woman covering herself is no more "Muslim" than wearing a white sheet and burning crosses is Christian. The hijab and other coverings some Muslim women wear is cultural, not religious, and therefore is not "a dress code adopted by Muslim women the world over." Your biased article is merely pointing the finger and laughing at other people's cultural practices. Would you so quickly put up an article about Jewish women and their practice of shaving their heads and then wearing a wig? I think not because that would be wrong, but poking fun at the culture of some Muslims is not?

Keep up the snarky, one day you'll get that job at Gawker.

Josh

Thank you for being a friend

2008-07-22T13:44:00.003-04:00

Today I mourn the passing of Estelle Getty aka Sophia Spirelli Petrillo. As anyone who reads this blog or knows me in real life knows I love the Golden Girls, I am one of three straight men alive who do.

I actually feel sadder about this than Carlin's passing. I know I shouldn't but I do. I grew up on the Golden Girls, while Carlin I "discovered" at a much older age. In any event, Golden Girls is still a timeless classic in part due to Estelle Getty's character, one which she abandoned to have kids and then resurrected to critical acclaim. You will be missed.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

2008-07-22T11:28:00.002-04:00

While watching CNN this morning, Rudy Giuliani came on and bashed Obama for not visiting Iraq more often. Before his visit they bashed him for not visiting, now it's not enough. Funny I didn't hear Rudy bash Obama for being faithful to his wife, something Rudy could not do. I worked with Rudy and Co. during 9-11 recovery and I live in NYC, trust me that man is an a-hole. I leave you with a clip from the king of sound bite, my man, Joe Biden.

Rudy's reply, "Screw you, 9-11"

Benchmarks of Being Rich and Famous

2008-07-21T10:22:00.001-04:00

I tried to see Batman this weekend. I did not.

Oprah saw it, she saw it in her own home, in a private movie theatre, three months ago.

The Secret

2008-07-21T10:03:00.003-04:00

So my X Box 360 broke, already. That was pretty quick. I was warned, everyone I know who has an X Box 360 told me the hardware is horrible but the game catalog is great while the PS3 has great hardware but a horrible game catalog.

I call the X Box 360 help line. I can barely hear the woman on the other end, so I say, "I can't hear you it's very noisy on your end" Her reply, "Yeah I know, we're haveing a concert here." Normally I would think she was just being a smart ass, but it really did sound like a concert was going on in the back. So after talking to her for 30 minutes, all the while she is trying to blame me for the breakage. "So you moved the X Box while a disk was in it?" "No" "Why don't you return the disk to the store?" "Because clearly the X Box is broken, it make a grinding sound and scratched a perfect circle in the disk." And on and on.

Finally I was told to call back in two hours (that's customer service for you) and have a new rep assist me. Which happened, and I'm shipping my X Box out soon.

I told my wife what happened, and she is happy my new game is broken. I replied that she probably broke it. She then says, "No I never touched it. I just wished it broken, didn't you read the secret?"

I might just change my views!

2008-07-17T13:48:00.002-04:00

I posted a hilarious line I received in a conservative newsletter Here. Well I think they may have won me over with the latest letter they sent out.

Dear [New Letter Name] Reader,

We are pleased to introduce you to our latest email, the Chuck Norris Email Alert. Chuck Norris is an American icon whose unique, hard-nosed insight on Conservative issues makes him one of the most popular authors we feature at [New Letter Name].

The Chuck Norris Email Alert will land in your inbox on Thursday mornings and point you to our website to read and comment upon Chuck's most recent columns.

We hope you enjoy this new free service. And, please be assured, it's easy to modify your subscription at any time. So, if you ever decide you don't want to receive the Chuck Norris Email Alert, you can always click the "edit your account" link at the bottom of each message to modify your subscriptions.

Sincerely,

[New Letter Name]

Are you kidding me?!?!?! Martial Arts master and Texas Ranger Chuck Noriss and star of his own cartoon which had characters based on stereotypes (I love the Sumo Guy). I think I might vote for McCain now.

Out of my league

2008-07-14T12:03:00.003-04:00

My wife is pretty, sometimes it goes to her head as clearly seen in the following exchange.

Wife: So do you think I'm handsome?

Me: I don' think that's the right word to use.

Wife: Well do you think I'm better looking than you?

Me: I think we're in the same league.

Wife: Come on, you don't think I look better than you? I mean I look better than those other girls you dated.

Me: (sensing a trap) Of course you do.

I got carded!

2008-07-11T10:26:00.002-04:00

My brother bought me an X Box 360 as a present! This coupled with my in-laws' in-laws giving me gift certificates to Best Buy have made me a happy camper.

Yesterday I decided to actually buy a game for the X Box and chose Gears of War so I can play with my brother on line (Nerd alert). I go into the stor pick up my game and go to pay. "I need to see some ID please?" "For what?" "That's a restricted game, no kids can buy it without thier parentes permission" I laugh and show her my driver's license and my student ID.

I have not looked 17 in probably 10 years. I don't even think I look younger than 21 but younger than 18? Come on. Maybe the sales girl was trying to get my full name and exact age before she tried to holla at me. Or maybe she wanted to see how old I was so she could laugh that I was buying a video game, with gift cards no less.

Apparently you need to look at least 50 or prove you live in your mom's basement to buy this without a hassle

It looks good now....

2008-07-11T10:15:00.006-04:00

While waiting at the DMV to straighten out why they were sending notices to my father-in-law about my car, I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo. The design was nice and I'm sure it looked good at one point. However this lady looked about 70 and was at the DMV with wher 4 grandchildren. Sexy it was not. Pretty soon all the people who got those crazy tattoos and the huge hoola hoop in your ear lobe earrings will regret it. It looks cool when your 18, but no so much when you 43.

Maybe I could store my AARP tags here
It's about long term planning. Granted these people look cooler than me NOW, but in 30 years I will have the last laugh. When your ear lobes sag worse than your old testicles, you'll regret it.

Truthfully, I've always wanted a tattoo. I even got some designs made, but then always chickened out because I was scared what the tattoo will look like in 40 years. Now my wife wants me to get her name tattooed on my body. HA! That's a bit too serious for me. I can see marraige and a baby, but a tattoo of her name? No way.

Just wait till the tatto is covered in liver spots

I want to cut his nuts off!

2008-07-10T15:37:00.006-04:00

Check out this video of Messy Jesse caught talking about Obama.

I love it because "Rev" Jesse Jackson says Obama talks down to black people, black religious people in particular. That would be disrespectful. Kind of like if you used funds from your religious non-profit to pay your side chicks to stay quiet because you knocked them up out of wedlock, right Jesse? Why is he even in the news, it's not 1984.

I guess I was never funny, until now

2008-07-09T10:26:00.001-04:00

Because I was on TV a few people have called me or emailed me telling me that I was never funny when I worked with them or went to school with them. I was always funny! It's just that no one paid me to do it until now. Whatever.

The scariest thing a doctor can say...

2008-07-08T13:00:00.001-04:00

is "You need to go to this specialist right now!" Then the doctor has the receptionist call the specialist and the specialist takes you that day. That happened to me.

The Kid

2008-07-08T09:37:00.003-04:00

So now that I know (almost 95% sure) that I am having a son, I am thinking of all the things I want to do with him; basically things I never got to do. So I know I am buying him a mini basketball hoop (palms up because I learned basketball from a white guy) and of course a Ninja outfit.

How the hell is that red ninja going to dodge uzi fire?

Hancock

2008-07-07T09:59:00.005-04:00

So I went and saw Hancock, which I enjoyed and would see again (unlike Wanted which was doodoo). I like Will Smith, he is one of the benchmarks by which I measure my own success. I know I will be successful once I am in a movie with him or Denzel, or I can call either of them anytime I want.

Anyway, I went to see the movie at 4:30 on July 4th and there are a large number of old black men at the movie, and I mean old. One guy was in a wheel chair, another had TWO canes! I wonder were they there to see it because of Will Smith or because the movie was about a cantacerous black superhero who's just angry at the world?

I could just imagine what the world would be like if every 70+ black dude had super powers. There'd be a lot of old dead white guys.

Whitey if I get bitten by a radioactive spider, that's yo ass!

You marry a woman like your mother

2008-07-03T10:11:00.005-04:00

So my in-laws are coming into town this weekend. Nadia feels the need to cook. She says she will make a bunch of Indian food (5 lbs of shrimp!) for her family. She then says in a non-joking serious way, "Oh you're family might come by too, I think I could make some fried chicken as well."

The key to every man's heart.
If you don't know how this is like my mom, please click HERE and watch the video.

It's a (unofficially) boy!

2008-07-02T10:26:00.002-04:00

So we went to the doctor today to get bloodwork and get a sonogram that would tell us the baby's sex. The problem is the little kid kept his legs closed, he moved a bit, but it was very hard to see. Finally we got a peak at the goods and it looks like a boy. This has to be confirmed in 3 weeks when we go to a specialist. So basically I know my son might have a penis.